“The word bipartisan means that some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”

-George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.”

-George Carlin

“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”

-George Carlin

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”

-George Carlin

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

-George Carlin

” ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?”

-George Carlin