“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

-W.C. Fields

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

-W.C. Fields

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

-W.C. Fields

“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.”

-W.C. Fields

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”

-W.C. Fields

“Drown in a cold vat of whisky? Death, where is thy sting?”

-W.C. Fields